From Hanoi to Paradise? Excerpt

ME:

Father, husband, ex-husband, New York Yankees and San Francisco Giants addict, marathoner, elementary teacher, chocolate-peanut butter lover, relationship-insecure, "Seinfeld" junkie, ex-New Yorker, mechanically-challenged, geographically knowledgeable, natural disasters-on-TV viewer, Red Sox hater, ex-Jersey boy, bowler, epilepsy sufferer, image-to-the-outside-world worrier, telephone talk avoider, 60's music listener, non-cooker, crossword puzzle doer, former clothing salesman and credit manager, Weather Channel watcher, thirty pound weight loser,

GAY MAN

"THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO BREAK OUT OF THE SHELL. I HAVE TO SHOUT THAT I'M COMING OUT. I'M COMING OUT. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW. GOT TO LET IT SHOW. I'M COMING OUT.

"I'm Coming Out" {Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards}

     My therapist believed that I needed to set a date and time to tell Lisa, or else I would never do it. I did not think he was right, and it would probably happen at the spur of the moment when I felt the timing was right. That was just what happened. The same week I came out to Phil, Cathy, and Jennifer, the big moment was at hand. I had taken the Friday off work just for a personal day to relax from a very emotional week. While sitting at my desk surfing the Internet, I somehow realized that this was the time. Lisa worked around the block at her mother's house. The kids were at school. She had just returned from Florida, and there was a good chance she would see the ad again. With my heart pounding, I called her up and asked her to meet me in front of her mother's apartment to talk to her about the kids. As I walked around the block, I was shaking, and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. We met at the door, and we talked briefly about the need for both of us to be consistent in giving Amanda vegetables, which she refused to eat. Lisa agreed and wanted to know if that was all. Drum roll, please…
     "Now, there is something else."
     "Go on."
     "Um, Lisa, the ad you saw is true." Tears began to flow down my face like a downpour from the sky.
     "I figured it was true when I saw it and you denied it, but asked me how I would feel if it were true."
     "You did? I thought you might have believed me."
     "I did at first, but then after thinking about it, I felt that it was true and you would tell me when the time was right."
     With tears still flowing, I told her that I never once did anything with men, or even fantasized about it while we were together. I loved her, and that was all I thought about.
     "I sensed something was missing from the marriage, but I couldn't put my finger on it." (Maybe it was the fact that it took me so long for me to put my finger on or in "it".) "I trust your judgment and I am OK with it. It took me a few weeks to get over it, but I will support you if you need me to."
     The crying finally stopped; I thanked her for understanding, and said that this had been a very hard thing for me to do. She asked me if I told my parents yet, and I replied with a strong "No!" Lisa was a tough one, but my parents would be worse. I probably will not come out to them for a long time, maybe when I am in a committed relationship and I felt good about myself and had his support. Lisa gave me a hug goodbye, and I turned around and walked back home. I felt that sense of relief, embarrassment, shame, and freedom that both books, and other people I knew, talked about. It was not coming out to the world, but it was a start.
     I arrived home and immediately took a nap. I was physically and mentally exhausted from the events of the past week. I also wanted to be rested for the date I had later that night.

To Be Continued...

Return to purchase page | Return to Table of Contents